Right before Christmas, my son asked me a question;
Aiden:” Mommy, promise me next year we will have a bigger home with a backyard?”
Me:” I promise.”
About eight months ago I started looking into buying a house. Discouraged by the insanely inflated housing costs, my looming student loan debt and the pandemic’s effects on my income, I quickly realized that this process would take a lot longer than I had imagined. Even though I felt overwhelmed, I made a promise to myself that I would not give up. I would keep working toward this goal of mine, no matter what.
On December 31st, I received an email from my real estate agent that I had secured a new apartment for us. We will be living with my younger brother; he needed a place and I couldn’t comfortably afford a bigger place on my own and so this works out for all of us. My children will now have their own bedroom, a small backyard to play in and I will have a full sized kitchen and my very own washer and dryer. No, it’s not a house, but it’s still a huge improvement from our tiny one bedroom apartment we currently live in. Most importantly, I kept my promise to my son. I didn’t wait to get started on my goal… through hard work and perseverance, I made it happen on the very first day of the year.
In the first few days of January, I signed the lease, baked some homemade bagels, made elderberry syrup and went snowboarding for the first time after wanting to learn for so long. As I sip my coffee now, I am flooded with the deepest sense of gratitude I have ever known. Reflecting back over this past year, I’m humbled, amazed and proud of the person I’ve grown to be. When I made the decision to stop drinking, I never imagined it would completely transform my life. I went from a place of complete breakdown; feeling worthless, hopeless, fearful and paralyzed, to a place of feeling empowered, capable and strong.
My life didn’t magically get easier, but my perspective of the challenges changed. I learned to breathe, to slow down, to trust and most importantly, how to be resilient. I began to meet the challenges and work alongside them instead of numbing and hiding…wishing they would just disappear. I decided that if I wanted things to change, I would be responsible for making it happen and I would show up each and every day, ready and willing to do the work.
I didn’t feel positive or optimistic every day this past year, but it didn’t matter. I held onto the vision of the kind of life I wanted, the kind of person I truly desired to be and I never let go of that vision. I held on as tight as I could to my sobriety and trusted that this would be enough to get me through anything. I started doing more of what brought me joy and comfort. I began to chose myself first, and to set boundaries around my needs. I made sure to check in with myself daily.
I once thought, wished, hoped and prayed that sobriety would save me….but what I have come to find in the past fourteen months being alcohol free, is that sobriety didn’t save me; I saved me! Sobriety was the tool I used to see, feel and think clearly. The fuel I needed to keep me going. The crutch held beside me in times I felt I couldn’t go on. The catalyst for finding the community and resources I needed to keep me on this path. The mentor I needed to guide me in learning how to value myself, my relationships and my boundaries.
But the power of transformation itself, lies within me. Within you. Within all of us.
Being sober is now a part of who I am. A part I am grateful for and will cherish and nurture always, but there’s so much more to me. Every day I practice honoring myself. I balance the responsibilities I have for myself, my family and the world around me, carefully and with intention. I’m finding myself and it feels really good!
If I were to give myself any advice at the beginning it would be this; trust the process. Even if you don’t feel like today is making a difference…each and every moment adds up. Just for today, imagine what you would be doing a year from now, if your were solid in your sobriety. What would you be doing? How would you act? Do that! Be that! Just for today, imagine the type of person you would really like to be, and promise yourself, you will be that person, as much as you can. Start small. Stay consistent. Take notice of how these small steps will bring you closer to yourself and toward actualizing all of your goals and dreams.
You have all the power within you. Allow sobriety to hold your hand until YOU can harness that power. You are worthy. You are resilient and you can do anything you set your mind to.
With love, Brianna.
With love, Brianna 