I open the cupboard and pull out the bottle of gin I had tucked away. As I pour the beefeater into my thermos, I notice how little there is left. I try not to pay attention to it. I grab the tonic from the fridge and top the cup off.
I take a sip.
It burns on it way down my throat and as tears fill my eyes, I hear Nora call out for me.
“One second!’ I answer.
I take a deep breathe and walk slowly into the living room where I find her on the floor, holding her dolls.
“Will you play with me? she asks, eyes wide and smiling.
Before I can even answer, the tears I had been holding back all day start pouring out.
I’m screaming inside.
No I don’t want to play right now. Can’t you see that this is all the gin I have left? Can’t you see that I can’t possibly care about anything other than the fact that I won’t be able to fill this cup back up again tonight? Can’t you see that I got caught drinking at work and now I have to go to AA and I don’t want to! Can’t you see that I can’t handle life right now? Im drowning and alcohol is keeping me underwater and of course that doesn’t make sense but it’s the only way I know how to survive!
The thoughts rage on.
She doesn’t understand why I’m suddenly crying… how could she?
She comes close, holds my hand and her little voice whispers in my ear, “what’s wrong Mumma?’
I look into her eyes and I know.
It’s time to say goodbye.
This will be my last cup.
This will be the last time I pull the gin from the cabinet. And maybe I won’t be okay and maybe I’ll keep drowning but there’s nothing left to do.
I SURRENDER!
I take the last swig from my thermos, in disbelief and disappointment that I’ve already finished it.
We sit and we play and then we cuddle into bed together.
On the morning of November 18th, 2019 as I open my eyes to the sun peaking into the bedroom, and I look at my children still asleep next to me…I take a deep breathe.
Today will be my last day one.
It has to be.
And so it was.
With love, Brianna 