Author: withlovebg

I do what I KNOW. Coping with anxiety and depression.

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I’ve been feeling overwhelmed the last few days. The kind of overwhelm that just knocks you out…exhausted, depressed, anxious, irritable, loss of appetite followed by insatiable hunger. Am I not eating enough? Eating too much? Am I drinking enough water? Too much coffee? Not enough sleep? It’s too easy to be carried away with thoughts…searching for a solution to problem I have not yet identified. Do I push through or just surrender? A fine line between plummeting further under by inaction or accidentally forcing myself further under with too much productivity. I know it’s about balance. The brain fog is making it all extra hard to decipher.

And so, I just do what I know. I wake in the morning and make my bed. I breathe through my kids big feelings and I pause every few minutes throughout the day to check in with myself. What is around me? What feelings are in my body? What do I smell? Taste? Hear? I write and I write and I write some more. I sip my coffee slowly and prepare my tea even slower. I pour the epsom salt into the bath and sit until the water no longer brings comfort. I get lost in washing the dishes; there are always dirty dishes to be washed…scrubbing, rising, drying. The repetitive movement slows the thoughts and gives me space to breathe into them. I go for long drives and take long walks in the forest. I move my body and scream into pillows. I turn the music up and sing as loud as I can. I eat too much dark chocolate and cry rivers worth of tears.

As I lie in bed at night, I congratulate myself on feeling my way through another day. I may not have solved all my problems today but, allowing myself to feel all of my feelings is a super power I’ve cultivated over years of struggle. I don’t need each day to feel magical, I just have to keep showing up. There’s always a break down before a major shift and so I do believe in the good things coming. I trust in myself. I surrender to this moment here and now and I feel my way into the next. And I am so grateful to be alive and to be feeling; whatever those feelings may be.

With love, Brianna

An intricate & intimate relationship.

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Over the last year, I have found myself falling deeply in love with herbalism. What I love most about making plant medicine is the relationship that is built in the process. A relationship which brings with it, a level of intricacy and intimacy that comforts me, excites me, and urges to me to continue on this path. Each plant, an individual whom I am getting to know. Learning through my own studies and with those who have studied before me. Learning through my senses as I touch, smell, taste and create with the herbs. A process requiring me to gain knowledge about each plant, about the inner workings of our bodies and minds, and about how they will interact with one another. But also, a process of connecting with myself and learning to follow my own intuition. The herbs I often feel deeply called to, are those that will best support my body and spirit…just in the right way, at the right moment.

Plant medicine making is a dance between research and trust. Trust in our bodies ability to harness the healing powers these plants provide and the research to understand how and why it all works. Some answers are written on the pages of my favorite books, or they reveal themselves to me the longer I work with the herb. Yet, other times, the questions I have go unanswered….only just a quiet whisper as I sip my tea…you don’t have to understand everything Brianna; surrender, just a little, to the unknown and watch as the magic unfolds.

Our homeschool lessons from the trees

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There is something so magical about being with the forest and the snow. It is quiet except for the sound of the trees, talking to one another as they sway back and forth with the wind flowing through their branches. The ice surrounding the creek, crunching under our boots as the fire’s flame crackles and warms our hands.

This is our medicine. The trees meet us exactly where we are. We head into the forest when life feels too heavy. We head into the forest when life is filled with happiness and ease. When we feel despair and worry or when we feel calm and steady. The forest always fills us with hope, optimism and a grand remembering that we are merely temporary; as our feet are planted firmly in time, we must stand tall. We must do more of what brings us joy and peace and we must cultivate resilience. We can handle any obstacle in our way, as long as we always come back to ourselves…back to the earth.

The trees hold so much wisdom. If only we slow down and listen, we will hear their secrets. Teaching us about ourselves and the world around us. I’m so very grateful my children have fostered such a deep connection with the forest; a place to play, learn, grow and discover. This is the only classroom we need right now. And they will always know, that learning brings with it, an ever growing sense of wonder and inspiration.

Car Alarms

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After the last few chaotic days with my kids, I’m craving, praying, begging for some quiet. For some space and time to just breathe and be still. As I’m sitting here in the car waiting for boyfriend Paul to come out of the grocery store, car alarms are blaring! One stops, then another starts in another direction. WTF. It is so annoyingly obnoxious, I can’t help but laugh.

Life keeps ticking away no matter how much we want it to slow down.

Driving to my new apartment today to get some stuff done, I blurted out that all I wanted was to just get drunk. I couldn’t even stop the words from flowing out of me….it must have come from deep within my subconscious mind because I wasn’t even aware of the craving being there at all. It is probably because I’ve been pushing myself too hard lately and my kids have been pushing back hard as well. I asked him if he ever felt that urge. The urge to just get really drunk. He said, “oh yeah, sometimes…but only when I’ve already started drinking.” “Oh, so never in the middle of the day, out of seemingly nowhere?” “Nope”, he replied.

Maybe that is one of the differences between those who can drink and those who can not. They only feel that pull when they’ve consciously chosen to start drinking and then the poison starts working its purpose. For me, that pull happens even when there is no alcohol around.

I really wanted to get so much more done today, and I did get a few things done. It doesn’t feel like enough. I have three weeks to move though, so I’m trying really hard to remind myself there’s no need to rush. Patience. A lesson the universe keeps providing me. One that I just keep trying to ignore. Maybe this time, I should really pay attention and listen! “Measure twice, cut once”, Paul said to me, and there really is much wisdom in that statement.

Now we are heading back to make some dinner and I’m going to enjoy a slower pace for the evening. The to do list will still be there tomorrow, and I can tackle it again, then. Baby steps. I preach about baby steps….I have to learn to walk the walk.

Car alarms really do have a peculiar way of pulling you completely back into the present moment. They are so loud and continuous, you can’t so anything other than listen. So, maybe I felt I needed a moment of silence, but maybe, the universe knew I needed to be brought right back HERE. Right NOW.

No urge to drink now. Anxiety has lifted. My house is quiet and still, besides the sound of him cutting potatoes and whistling a song. No need to rush. Life is ticking by no matter how much we want it slow down, so might as well, be HERE and take it all in, as this moment flows into the next.

If you’re thinking about drinking, here’s your CAR ALARM!!!! Be here right now. You don’t really want it and you definitely don’t need it. This moment shall pass, and so will that craving.

With love, Brianna.

Keeping Promises

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Right before Christmas, my son asked me a question;

Aiden:” Mommy, promise me next year we will have a bigger home with a backyard?”

Me:” I promise.”

About eight months ago I started looking into buying a house. Discouraged by the insanely inflated housing costs, my looming student loan debt and the pandemic’s effects on my income, I quickly realized that this process would take a lot longer than I had imagined. Even though I felt overwhelmed, I made a promise to myself that I would not give up. I would keep working toward this goal of mine, no matter what.

On December 31st, I received an email from my real estate agent that I had secured a new apartment for us. We will be living with my younger brother; he needed a place and I couldn’t comfortably afford a bigger place on my own and so this works out for all of us. My children will now have their own bedroom, a small backyard to play in and I will have a full sized kitchen and my very own washer and dryer. No, it’s not a house, but it’s still a huge improvement from our tiny one bedroom apartment we currently live in. Most importantly, I kept my promise to my son. I didn’t wait to get started on my goal… through hard work and perseverance, I made it happen on the very first day of the year.

In the first few days of January, I signed the lease, baked some homemade bagels, made elderberry syrup and went snowboarding for the first time after wanting to learn for so long. As I sip my coffee now, I am flooded with the deepest sense of gratitude I have ever known. Reflecting back over this past year, I’m humbled, amazed and proud of the person I’ve grown to be. When I made the decision to stop drinking, I never imagined it would completely transform my life. I went from a place of complete breakdown; feeling worthless, hopeless, fearful and paralyzed, to a place of feeling empowered, capable and strong.

My life didn’t magically get easier, but my perspective of the challenges changed. I learned to breathe, to slow down, to trust and most importantly, how to be resilient. I began to meet the challenges and work alongside them instead of numbing and hiding…wishing they would just disappear. I decided that if I wanted things to change, I would be responsible for making it happen and I would show up each and every day, ready and willing to do the work.

I didn’t feel positive or optimistic every day this past year, but it didn’t matter. I held onto the vision of the kind of life I wanted, the kind of person I truly desired to be and I never let go of that vision. I held on as tight as I could to my sobriety and trusted that this would be enough to get me through anything. I started doing more of what brought me joy and comfort. I began to chose myself first, and to set boundaries around my needs. I made sure to check in with myself daily.

I once thought, wished, hoped and prayed that sobriety would save me….but what I have come to find in the past fourteen months being alcohol free, is that sobriety didn’t save me; I saved me! Sobriety was the tool I used to see, feel and think clearly. The fuel I needed to keep me going. The crutch held beside me in times I felt I couldn’t go on. The catalyst for finding the community and resources I needed to keep me on this path. The mentor I needed to guide me in learning how to value myself, my relationships and my boundaries.

But the power of transformation itself, lies within me. Within you. Within all of us.

Being sober is now a part of who I am. A part I am grateful for and will cherish and nurture always, but there’s so much more to me. Every day I practice honoring myself. I balance the responsibilities I have for myself, my family and the world around me, carefully and with intention. I’m finding myself and it feels really good!

If I were to give myself any advice at the beginning it would be this; trust the process. Even if you don’t feel like today is making a difference…each and every moment adds up. Just for today, imagine what you would be doing a year from now, if your were solid in your sobriety. What would you be doing? How would you act? Do that! Be that! Just for today, imagine the type of person you would really like to be, and promise yourself, you will be that person, as much as you can. Start small. Stay consistent. Take notice of how these small steps will bring you closer to yourself and toward actualizing all of your goals and dreams.

You have all the power within you. Allow sobriety to hold your hand until YOU can harness that power. You are worthy. You are resilient and you can do anything you set your mind to.

With love, Brianna.

When the time comes

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When the time comes, to stand in your power-you will know.

It will be uncomfortable.

Painful and scary.

It will feel like you’re falling from a mountain with no parachute.

No way to see the end.

And you have convinced yourself through blood and tears that the only way is to pick yourself back up and continue to climb.

But there is so much beauty and healing and magic in seeing that maybe this mountain was not yours to climb.

Maybe this mountain has been standing in your way…shadowing your truth.

Shadowing you.

Take some time to be with yourself.

Take some time to fall.

And as you’re falling….be light. Be still. Be present.

For when you have hit the bottom, you may see, that what you so desperately wanted and needed, has been waiting for you, here, all along.

Kids & Screen time

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I was once worried my son was addicted to screens. He wanted to watch Youtube and play video games constantly and when I would ask him to shut them off, an enormous fight would ensue. He was tired of my continuous demands that he do something better with his time and I was tired of repeating myself and losing my temper. I tried limiting screen time, managing the type of screen time activity, and even got to the point of threatening to take away all of the screens in the house…nothing worked! It just created a domino effect of tantrums, fights and exhaustion. It was like waking up to a battle every day and left me feeling defeated every night.

Something very deep inside of me could not believe that all this fighting would lead to anything other than a child, so disconnected, hurt and angry with me. That this fight would eventually erode all of the trust I had spent years building in this relationship.

Every time I took a screen away from my son, a deep sense of urgency was created; he desperately needed to get it back! Even when he found other things to do, he was thinking and planning about the next time he’d have it. A prize he was awarded for enduring the time spent away from a screen. How do our children know that life beyond the screen is just as, if not more interesting, if we keep taking the screen away and holding it as a prize they must earn? Only earned when they fight hard enough in the battle to get it back.

I decided I was no longer going to be in this battle. This fight was not worth the risk and so I surrendered.

Surrendering looked like giving up my need for control. Aiden would now decide when and what he would do with his time and I was going to trust in his ability to make good decisions and learn to self regulate.

Months went by and I was beyond frustrated with how much screen time he was using but instead of going back to imposing limits, I talked with him about how I was feeling. I talked with him about my worries and concerns, about listening to his body and taking breaks from screens to do other things. We never stopped talking. I let go of judging what he was doing and just let him do it. There were times I was overwhelmed and questioned whether or not unlimited access was the right thing to do, but I was determined to stick with it. The newfound peace in my home was validating that this was, the right path for us.

As soon as I really started overcoming my fears and worry, I began to realize that if I wanted him to WANT to be off screens, I needed to put in the work. So as he was playing video games, I asked questions and played with him. We started watching Youtube videos and movies together. We would act out our favorite scenes and laugh and sing and even started making our own videos. I began to provide real world exploration of all the topics he found interesting on screen. I never stopped engaging and he thrived because of it. He thrived because he felt my sincerity. He KNEW I trusted him and found his interests valuable. I thrived as well, because I no longer viewed his screen time as a problem-now, it was a catalyst for deeper connection.

In order to heal addictive behaviors/addiction, an individual must feel safe, loved and connected. Connected with themselves and the world around them. When we impose screen time restrictions, we are not fostering love and connection; we are telling our children that they are not capable of knowing and understanding the needs of their own bodies. We are telling them that they are not capable of trusting themselves to make good decisions. That they are not capable of learning to self regulate so we must regulate for them. We are then, perpetually trapped in a cycle of disconnection that breeds addictive tendencies and behaviors.

How does one learn to self regulate if never given the opportunity to do so? How will our children know what it feels like when their bodies need movement, if they never have a chance to feel that need? How do they know their minds are overstimulated if they never experience that feeling of needing space and quiet?

We can preach about these things to them all day long, or we can step aside and be there for them with guidance when they experience it. And if they feel safe with us, they will ask for help when the need to.

Next time your child is watching tv and you want them to shut it off, maybe you could snuggle up and watch the show with them. Next time they are playing a video game for awhile, sit down and ask if you can play too. Years from now, your child may not remember what they were watching but they will definitely remember the way they felt having you so close. They will remember the way they felt when you sat with them, played that video game and found joy exploring their interests. They will remember the way they felt when you had confidence and trust in them.

I understand now, that my sons overuse of screens was not the beginning of an addiction. It was merely a symptom of disconnection with me. It took lot of time, patience and dedication to reconnect with him. A strong and resilient connection with our children is much easier to hold onto than to rebuild, so please, hold on tight and don’t let go. And please, don’t let screen use distract you from what’s most important; your relationship with your children.

With love, Brianna.

November 17th, 2019

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I open the cupboard and pull out the bottle of gin I had tucked away. As I pour the beefeater into my thermos, I notice how little there is left. I try not to pay attention to it. I grab the tonic from the fridge and top the cup off.

I take a sip.

It burns on it way down my throat and as tears fill my eyes, I hear Nora call out for me.

“One second!’ I answer.

I take a deep breathe and walk slowly into the living room where I find her on the floor, holding her dolls.

“Will you play with me? she asks, eyes wide and smiling.

Before I can even answer, the tears I had been holding back all day start pouring out.

I’m screaming inside.

No I don’t want to play right now. Can’t you see that this is all the gin I have left? Can’t you see that I can’t possibly care about anything other than the fact that I won’t be able to fill this cup back up again tonight? Can’t you see that I got caught drinking at work and now I have to go to AA and I don’t want to! Can’t you see that I can’t handle life right now? Im drowning and alcohol is keeping me underwater and of course that doesn’t make sense but it’s the only way I know how to survive!

The thoughts rage on.

She doesn’t understand why I’m suddenly crying… how could she?

She comes close, holds my hand and her little voice whispers in my ear, “what’s wrong Mumma?’

I look into her eyes and I know.

It’s time to say goodbye.

This will be my last cup.

This will be the last time I pull the gin from the cabinet. And maybe I won’t be okay and maybe I’ll keep drowning but there’s nothing left to do.

I SURRENDER!

I take the last swig from my thermos, in disbelief and disappointment that I’ve already finished it.

We sit and we play and then we cuddle into bed together.

On the morning of November 18th, 2019 as I open my eyes to the sun peaking into the bedroom, and I look at my children still asleep next to me…I take a deep breathe.

Today will be my last day one.

It has to be.

And so it was.

Motherhood & Sobriety

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January 12, 2014 was the first day I held him in my arms.

I spent the day in a state of panic and worry. I couldn’t feel him moving inside of me and I needed to know why. What an absolutely terrifying experience followed my arrival to the hospital.

The look of concern on the doctor’s face was enough for me to know that something was very wrong. As the nurses rushed into the room to wheel my hospital bed through the halls, I pleaded with them to tell me what was happening. “We are headed to the operating room, we can not wait any longer”, was all they said to me.

The operating room was blindingly bright and freezing cold. I couldn’t stop shaking as they strapped my body to the table. I couldn’t feel a thing except for my heart beating violently against my chest. The tears poured out of me as finally heard him cry. “Is he okay?”, I screamed. “He is”, someone replied. They held him close to my face for a moment and as they carried him out of my sight, they reassured me that I would see him again soon. It was hours and hours later when I finally held him in my arms.

As I was lying on the bed, alone with my baby boy, I noticed how still and quiet it was. It felt as if the world had stopped. What a strangely beautiful feeling- nothing else to do but slow down, be present and rest.

The rest did not last for very long. He cried and cried. The nurses said he wasn’t getting enough milk. My body ached, but he was starving. I needed to figure out how to help him, but I had no answers. I suddenly realized, I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know how to do any of this! Of course I had read a bunch of parenting books and took a parenting class, but this was REAL now, and it was fucking scary. The weight of it all rested firmly on my shoulders. I was now responsible for keeping another human being alive. A human completely dependent on me, and I was failing already. I didn’t know how to be a mother. I wasn’t ready for this.

Over the following years, I learned and grew and learned some more. I learned to ask for help. I learned to push myself harder than I ever knew possible but I also learned to rest. I made many mistakes and felt so overwhelmed at times, that I thought I’d shatter into a million pieces. Now, my baby boy is almost seven years old and I have birthed another. We are all alive and healthy. I learned how to be a mother because I had no other choice. I had to learn to care for myself while caring for my children; a balancing act. A multitasking role like no other. A journey of staring straight into the depths of my soul and beginning to heal all of the trauma I had, unknowingly, been holding onto for so very long.

I can’t help but notice that my journey into motherhood was much like that of my journey toward sobriety. I was able to stop drinking and stay sober only when I found myself with no other choice. I was able to rip myself open and pull this new life out of me. I stitched myself back up, took time to heal, and got to work. Learning and growing and learning some more. Asking for help. Feeling like I was going to shatter into a million pieces but determined to keep going. I didn’t know how to get and stay sober, but I did it anyways because there was no other option but to keep going.

Before I left the hospital after my son was born, I was told that they had found meconium in the amniotic fluid. He had not been moving because he was suffocating inside of me. The day I was packing to head home, a nurse pulled me aside and said, “I hope you know that you saved your son’s life by coming in when you did, if you had waited any longer, he wouldn’t be here today!”

I may not have felt ready to become a mother that day and my birth experience was not as beautiful, peaceful or as natural as I had planned and imagined it to be…but, I saved his life.

I may not have felt ready to get sober when I did, and my road to sobriety was anything but graceful…but, I saved my life.

We often don’t feel ready for change…but the moment will come when we no longer have any other choice; we must move forward and so, we do.