I was once worried my son was addicted to screens. He wanted to watch Youtube and play video games constantly and when I would ask him to shut them off, an enormous fight would ensue. He was tired of my continuous demands that he do something better with his time and I was tired of repeating myself and losing my temper. I tried limiting screen time, managing the type of screen time activity, and even got to the point of threatening to take away all of the screens in the house…nothing worked! It just created a domino effect of tantrums, fights and exhaustion. It was like waking up to a battle every day and left me feeling defeated every night.
Something very deep inside of me could not believe that all this fighting would lead to anything other than a child, so disconnected, hurt and angry with me. That this fight would eventually erode all of the trust I had spent years building in this relationship.
Every time I took a screen away from my son, a deep sense of urgency was created; he desperately needed to get it back! Even when he found other things to do, he was thinking and planning about the next time he’d have it. A prize he was awarded for enduring the time spent away from a screen. How do our children know that life beyond the screen is just as, if not more interesting, if we keep taking the screen away and holding it as a prize they must earn? Only earned when they fight hard enough in the battle to get it back.
I decided I was no longer going to be in this battle. This fight was not worth the risk and so I surrendered.
Surrendering looked like giving up my need for control. Aiden would now decide when and what he would do with his time and I was going to trust in his ability to make good decisions and learn to self regulate.
Months went by and I was beyond frustrated with how much screen time he was using but instead of going back to imposing limits, I talked with him about how I was feeling. I talked with him about my worries and concerns, about listening to his body and taking breaks from screens to do other things. We never stopped talking. I let go of judging what he was doing and just let him do it. There were times I was overwhelmed and questioned whether or not unlimited access was the right thing to do, but I was determined to stick with it. The newfound peace in my home was validating that this was, the right path for us.
As soon as I really started overcoming my fears and worry, I began to realize that if I wanted him to WANT to be off screens, I needed to put in the work. So as he was playing video games, I asked questions and played with him. We started watching Youtube videos and movies together. We would act out our favorite scenes and laugh and sing and even started making our own videos. I began to provide real world exploration of all the topics he found interesting on screen. I never stopped engaging and he thrived because of it. He thrived because he felt my sincerity. He KNEW I trusted him and found his interests valuable. I thrived as well, because I no longer viewed his screen time as a problem-now, it was a catalyst for deeper connection.
In order to heal addictive behaviors/addiction, an individual must feel safe, loved and connected. Connected with themselves and the world around them. When we impose screen time restrictions, we are not fostering love and connection; we are telling our children that they are not capable of knowing and understanding the needs of their own bodies. We are telling them that they are not capable of trusting themselves to make good decisions. That they are not capable of learning to self regulate so we must regulate for them. We are then, perpetually trapped in a cycle of disconnection that breeds addictive tendencies and behaviors.
How does one learn to self regulate if never given the opportunity to do so? How will our children know what it feels like when their bodies need movement, if they never have a chance to feel that need? How do they know their minds are overstimulated if they never experience that feeling of needing space and quiet?
We can preach about these things to them all day long, or we can step aside and be there for them with guidance when they experience it. And if they feel safe with us, they will ask for help when the need to.
Next time your child is watching tv and you want them to shut it off, maybe you could snuggle up and watch the show with them. Next time they are playing a video game for awhile, sit down and ask if you can play too. Years from now, your child may not remember what they were watching but they will definitely remember the way they felt having you so close. They will remember the way they felt when you sat with them, played that video game and found joy exploring their interests. They will remember the way they felt when you had confidence and trust in them.
I understand now, that my sons overuse of screens was not the beginning of an addiction. It was merely a symptom of disconnection with me. It took lot of time, patience and dedication to reconnect with him. A strong and resilient connection with our children is much easier to hold onto than to rebuild, so please, hold on tight and don’t let go. And please, don’t let screen use distract you from what’s most important; your relationship with your children.
With love, Brianna.
With love, Brianna 