I’ve been feeling overwhelmed the last few days. The kind of overwhelm that just knocks you out…exhausted, depressed, anxious, irritable, loss of appetite followed by insatiable hunger. Am I not eating enough? Eating too much? Am I drinking enough water? Too much coffee? Not enough sleep? It’s too easy to be carried away with thoughts…searching for a solution to problem I have not yet identified. Do I push through or just surrender? A fine line between plummeting further under by inaction or accidentally forcing myself further under with too much productivity. I know it’s about balance. The brain fog is making it all extra hard to decipher.
And so, I just do what I know. I wake in the morning and make my bed. I breathe through my kids big feelings and I pause every few minutes throughout the day to check in with myself. What is around me? What feelings are in my body? What do I smell? Taste? Hear? I write and I write and I write some more. I sip my coffee slowly and prepare my tea even slower. I pour the epsom salt into the bath and sit until the water no longer brings comfort. I get lost in washing the dishes; there are always dirty dishes to be washed…scrubbing, rising, drying. The repetitive movement slows the thoughts and gives me space to breathe into them. I go for long drives and take long walks in the forest. I move my body and scream into pillows. I turn the music up and sing as loud as I can. I eat too much dark chocolate and cry rivers worth of tears.
As I lie in bed at night, I congratulate myself on feeling my way through another day. I may not have solved all my problems today but, allowing myself to feel all of my feelings is a super power I’ve cultivated over years of struggle. I don’t need each day to feel magical, I just have to keep showing up. There’s always a break down before a major shift and so I do believe in the good things coming. I trust in myself. I surrender to this moment here and now and I feel my way into the next. And I am so grateful to be alive and to be feeling; whatever those feelings may be.
With love, Brianna
With love, Brianna 