After the last few chaotic days with my kids, I’m craving, praying, begging for some quiet. For some space and time to just breathe and be still. As I’m sitting here in the car waiting for boyfriend Paul to come out of the grocery store, car alarms are blaring! One stops, then another starts in another direction. WTF. It is so annoyingly obnoxious, I can’t help but laugh.
Life keeps ticking away no matter how much we want it to slow down.
Driving to my new apartment today to get some stuff done, I blurted out that all I wanted was to just get drunk. I couldn’t even stop the words from flowing out of me….it must have come from deep within my subconscious mind because I wasn’t even aware of the craving being there at all. It is probably because I’ve been pushing myself too hard lately and my kids have been pushing back hard as well. I asked him if he ever felt that urge. The urge to just get really drunk. He said, “oh yeah, sometimes…but only when I’ve already started drinking.” “Oh, so never in the middle of the day, out of seemingly nowhere?” “Nope”, he replied.
Maybe that is one of the differences between those who can drink and those who can not. They only feel that pull when they’ve consciously chosen to start drinking and then the poison starts working its purpose. For me, that pull happens even when there is no alcohol around.
I really wanted to get so much more done today, and I did get a few things done. It doesn’t feel like enough. I have three weeks to move though, so I’m trying really hard to remind myself there’s no need to rush. Patience. A lesson the universe keeps providing me. One that I just keep trying to ignore. Maybe this time, I should really pay attention and listen! “Measure twice, cut once”, Paul said to me, and there really is much wisdom in that statement.
Now we are heading back to make some dinner and I’m going to enjoy a slower pace for the evening. The to do list will still be there tomorrow, and I can tackle it again, then. Baby steps. I preach about baby steps….I have to learn to walk the walk.
Car alarms really do have a peculiar way of pulling you completely back into the present moment. They are so loud and continuous, you can’t so anything other than listen. So, maybe I felt I needed a moment of silence, but maybe, the universe knew I needed to be brought right back HERE. Right NOW.
No urge to drink now. Anxiety has lifted. My house is quiet and still, besides the sound of him cutting potatoes and whistling a song. No need to rush. Life is ticking by no matter how much we want it slow down, so might as well, be HERE and take it all in, as this moment flows into the next.
If you’re thinking about drinking, here’s your CAR ALARM!!!! Be here right now. You don’t really want it and you definitely don’t need it. This moment shall pass, and so will that craving.
With love, Brianna.
With love, Brianna 